My Everything

I’m sorry that I don’t give you enough attention, I’m sorry that our sex life is dull, I’m sorry that I am not the same woman you married. I try so hard not to be selfish, I know you have needs; I try to meet them even when I don’t physically feel up to it. And even then you said that I acted like it was a chore . . . Do you know that I sometimes feel like my insides are being raked when we are intimate? Have you ever considered that sex might be the last thing on my mind when every female part of me aches on a daily basis? Do you know how frustrating it is that the only drug that relieves my symptoms makes sex uncomfortable and unwanted? I know you don’t understand my anger, you don’t understand why I find it so hard to forgive. I felt like you abandoned me. You admitted you were being selfish, that’s a start. Does it make the heartache go away? No, but maybe time will. Please don’t say things because that’s what you should say. Please don’t stay with me because you feel obligated, “in sickness and in health”. You need to be honest with yourself and with me. A hysterectomy is not a miracle cure. There is a long and very painful road ahead. Honey, I love you with all my soul and all my heart. I need you to think carefully and be 100% committed to this, not because it’s what you should do but because it’s what you want to do. We haven’t even scratched the surface and if you can’t deal with it and be supportive, I’d rather go through it alone. At least I’d know that I could be selfish and not worry about meeting anyone else’s needs. At least I’d know that you still have a chance to have a family, even if it’s without me. At least I’d know that I haven’t ruined your life and your dreams. I’m so sorry that our lives will never be what we imagined them to be. If you love me as you did 8 years ago, if I am still your “everything” then I know we can make this work and I know I can forgive. But despite what happens, you will always have the very best part of me, you will always have my heart, my love, forever and always.