Thank you Torrey

I just wanted to first thank you Torrey for being so supportive these past several months. I don't know what I would have done without you to take care of me and to calm me down when I am at my wits end.

When I had my lymph nodes removed in Sept you were there even though you didnt understand why I was having the surgery. And now that I am getting ready to go through a very major surgery I know you will be there still to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

I just want you to understand that even though we have been talking about the surgery, I feel like I can't really talk about all of my concerns and fears because I feel like I have to be strong for you and for the kids. I am tired emotionally and physically. I just feel like I can't go on anymore, and am trying to push on anyways because I don't want to let you and the kids down. I am scared to have the surgery and about how I will feel when I come out of the surgery how I will feel. How much pain will I feel and will I wake up alone like last time because they dont let you come back. What if I dont wake up at all? I know that it is a rare thing, but lets face it honey, it DOES happen. It would just kill the kids if that happened.

I don't want to think all these things, but the thoughts seem to come on strong, and I can't seem to turn them off. I just want you to be prepared for the "Just in case" something bad does happen. This is why I have been trying to show you how to braid Makaylas hair, and how to do some of the other things she is used to me doing for her. I dont want her to miss out on the little things if I die during this. Then theres little Cory. Who will take care of him if the worst does happen? I'm afraid at 3 he wont even get to grow up to remember me and how much I love him. I dont want my babies to ever forget how much mommy loved them and how much she gave them. I love you all and want you to know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you and the kids. I couldnt have asked for a more giving, loving and wonderful husband, and the kids are just such a blessing.

If something does happen, I do want you to give the kids a new mom (after a suitable time of mourning of course) who will take care of them the way I would. I want someone who would raise them to love Jesus, and be able to talk to them about anything from the clouds in the sky all the way to death and puberty. Please promise me that you will take this letter to heart and not be upset with me for writing it. I just have some natural fears and I have been putting on a strong front for all 5 of you. I just feel like I am living a lie and that I am not as strong as I have made everyone believe I am and I cannot do it anymore. Please try to understand that I just had to get this all out on the just in case, and try to not take it the wrong way. This is more of a cleansing thing for me, and I really needed to do this.

I Love you with all my heart and soul.


Remember.....I'll love you forever and always, plus 100 times 60,000,000 times infinity plus eternity.