Dear Kevin

Dear Kevin,

It's been six years since the ectopic rupture. I think that day changed our relationship. Nothing has felt the same since - I feel a wedge between us. Sure, we're friends. Sure, we get along most of the time. But something's been lacking. Our intimate life has been dying ever since.

I know. It's always been painful for me, physically. All the problems inside me have created issues for us in our sexual situations. But for weeks now, we knew the hysterectomy was coming. You were, in your mind, supportive. I don't feel that way.

I had to practically force you to go to my consult with the doctor. You claimed you wouldn't understand the technical jargon, that you saw no reason for you to be there, and that you would "be bored." I made you go anyway. You asked a question. One. You told me all you wanted was for me to be healthy, to do what I needed to do. You said you would never see me differently, that you would never regret not having a child. That you'd never want to go elsewhere so you could have a child.

Weeks and weeks before the surgery you had no interest in sex. None whatsoever. I approach you, you say you don't feel like it. Even just a few days before the surgery I mention that it will be at least 6 weeks before we can try and you still say that's ok, you just don't feel like it.

I had the procedure during your vacation week so that you'd be here to help me. This was your idea. Now that it's here, and I had my surgery just three days ago, you seem like you can't be bothered with me. You barely speak to me, much less start a conversation or keep one going. When I ask you for help or to get me something or take the dogs out or something simple I get the heavy sigh, the eyeroll, the reluctancy to do it. Sure. You do it. Begrudgingly. You say that's not so - but your face says otherwise. You barely even look me in the eye. You say I'm imagining these things.

Yesterday I cried for an hour because I feel so alone in this. I feel like I'm losing you, losing our relationship. I wish I had asked my mom to come up and take care of me this week. Anyone. Just not you. You're not helping me. I'm going through this alone and you're here physically but not otherwise.

If this is the way our marriage is going to be - as much as it breaks my heart to say it - I don't want it.