Dear Robert

Dear, darling Robert,

I know that our relationship, such as it is, is pretty atypical. I know that when we first came together that we agreed not to let it become a 'relationship'. I also know that we fell in love with each other. It was bound to happen. You are the yin to my yang, Leo to my Gemini, so very suited to me.

You were honest with me about your Lupus. I was honest with you about my PCOD and possible endometrial cancer. I was also honest with you about the fact that I should not try to and could not safely have another child. You accepted that, and I am so grateful to you for loving me despite how strongly you expressed your desire for a child of your own.

I know you've been having an intense flare up of Lupus just lately, and been hiding from the world, even from me...but I still need to keep in contact with you. I need to tell you that we were pregnant, even if just for a couple weeks. I need to share with you how broken I am about losing your child, a child who would have been completely treasured by both of us. I need to tell you about the incessant bleeding, and the ER trip and the GYN visit where he told me that a hysterectomy is my one option, that because of the complex hyperplasia with atypia makes ablation an impossibility. I need you to call me, baby.

I can't handle this on my own. I need you beside me, even if just to hold me and cry with me, ok?

Babe, I'm gonna lose my job, because the new manager just has no understanding of what is happening to me. I was written up the other day for not changing the garbage out, when it was a miracle that I was even able to be at work at all, what with my constant bleeding and ultra-low iron level and adjusting to the hormones I have been put on until my insurance is approved and I can have the surgery. I'm for sure gonna lose my job when my hysterectomy comes around, because you know that they won't give me six weeks' leave. I got in trouble for calling out ONE DAY, after going to the ER, last week.

I really wish you were still my boss. When you were around, there was at least some compassion in that place. I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm fired. How will I survive with no income for several months? Because you know how hard it is to find work these days, and who will want to hire me after a major surgery, someone who can't do the physical work that is required of the jobs I have the skill set for?

I'm scared, Robert, and you won't return my calls. I'm hurting, and I can't get to you. Although I don't know if I would have the heart to tell you to your face that I was pregnant, I still want to know you're there for me. But where are you?

You know that normally I wouldn't blink twice about being out of contact with you for weeks on end, but this situation is so different, and I need you. I, who need nothing and nobody, need you.

If I don't hear from you in the next few days, I'm going to have my boyfriend call your girlfriend, and have him demand that you get in touch with me. You know I won't call her house on my own, I'm not a homewrecker. I wouldn't do that to you.

But I need you.

More than I ever thought I would or could, I need you.

I love you, Robert.

~Your Po