To My Love, My Hero, My Soldier...I'm Sorry !

i dont know where to begin..i know you havent said a word that you are upset that this had to be..nor have you acted in any way to make me think that..BUT i know you..i know what our plans were..how much we have been through ! you are a wonderful father to my 3 boys ..taking the place of man that passed away that you didnt know. then you & i lost 5 babies for no reason that anyone could find..test after test year after year..i watched it break your heart..again you sheltered me from that..that last time that we said we werent going to try..it happend ! we had Alvin III but he was born with cleft lip & ridge..has had 6 surgeries in his little 2 1/2 yrs.. and many more to come ! each surgery ripping a piece of your heart as you watch him in pain.. now we find out that he is medically autistic from being under anesethia so many times but we had no choice....im sorry ...im sorry that we cant have that ONE more b/c you DESERVE IT !
All on your own, knowing how much we all wanted to come back to Hawaii, you took that Afganistan deployment b/c it was the only way we could come back to where we loved..where we were so happy...again im sorry..being there was so hard for you to be away from the baby you waited so long for ! a year out of his life..2 surgeries for him ! and your life in danger everyday ! then i get that call that you had an unexplained full seizure ..no one knew why ! how and youd never had one in your life !..i was terrified! i handled everything through that deployment & you knew i could like you said.. :-) but having you hurt so far away about tore my heart out ! when i FINALLY got someone to bring you a phone i promised you we'd try for one more..after i had said i didnt want to...i was scared b/c of everything we go through with Vinny...i was scared b/c of the high bp & gestational diabetes that tore me up through that pregnancy...i was scared of the pain in my back & neck b/c of my 8 bulging disks that cause the pain that you rub out every night without me asking..
you came home from "over there" a little different..on edge..i understood by i saw & heard on skype EVERY DAY & EVERY NIGHT wht you went through ! the days i had to listen & watch you run full force when i clearly heard the mortor fire coming closer..the day that it hit right next to you ! & blew up the barracks next to yours !.. i promised you we;d try again.. & im so sorry i cant ! you have gone above & beyond for this family at 30 yrs old ! we have been married 7 yrs this year ..i love you so very much..i hope you know how much my heart broke the day i was going into surgery..i didnt tell you..i didnt want to..i just hoped youd know i guess.. i wanted to stay positive..b/c this surgery was HUGE..you had no idea how many times a DAY id pee my pants from a simple nseeze or cough..the pain i felt from the cyst, appendix, the prolapses & the bladder..i didnt tell you b/c you had so much on your plate...youve only been home 9 months..ive watched you have a hard time re intigrating back into our family..and watched you struggle some days seeming to not know where you belong..but we worked through all of that & we always come out ontop ! we've been through so much more than i can think of right now but just wanted to say some of it i guess.. i think im rambling but you are used to that haha!
i just am sorry ! you deserved another child..& i cant do that..i hope our relationship can get better & stronger from here on without me in so much pain !
I love you with everything in me ! even yrs ago when you were just my best friend...
* you are my sunshine *