Dear Ice Phoenix

I love you so much. I know this is going to test us. We've been together almost 10 months now. You're coming down to take care of me after the surgery and spend our first Christmas together. You've never seen me laid up, you've never seen me in total pain. You've never seen me at my worst. I've sheltered you from that, and I'm still trying to by begging you to stay at work while I let my mom stay with me for the surgery. I know you're scared of hospitals, and so am I. But I don't know how well you'll handle seeing what they do to me before the surgery etc, and I am already so stressed out that I don't need to see you panic beforehand.

Our hard part will be how you deal with me making requests or saying no to you. I won't want to eat all the time, I won't want to drink all the time. If I even eat a meal a day be thankful. I'm not sure I'll want to eat a lot after surgery. Don't push me or keep going are you hungry ever couple of hours. I'll let you know. But when I say I'm hungry or I'm thirsty, don't wait forever to do get me that drink or food. You get snippy with me when I get up and do things that you think I shouldn't be doing right now. The reason is, I gave you a day to do it for me and you didn't, so I figured you had enough time to do it and just did it myself.

When I breathe funny or moan don't ask me constantly are you ok, does it hurt? Yes it hurts, and if I'm not ok I'll tell you. I don't need to be treated like I am two. I'm not trying to be mean, but the constant are you ok are you ok wears on me.

Also try to understand how scared I am. I don't know how worried you are about this. I know your sister is terrified about this, she was crying and sobbing on the phone when I told her. I've been crying too. This is a major surgery for me, and it's going to change a lot about me. And I'm scared. Very scared. And it's not like I can go to my mom or yours and talk about it because they've never had the surgery, they don't know and can't go ok this is what happens or we did this or that. I'm on my own.

I love you very very much, just please try to understand if I push you away a little or get snippy with you, I'm still me, I need room to breathe and still be me. I'm not made of glass, I will get through this. And some things you're just going to have to stand back and watch as I do them, because some things I've just got to spread my wings and do on my own. I might fail at them, I might not, but you can't hold my hand through it all. Just remember that.

I love you and I'm glad I met you. I never knew this would happen to us and I'm so sorry it's happening right now over the holidays. I know you keep telling me not to feel like I've ruined everyone's Christmas, but trust me I do. Our first Christmas is being spent with me not being able to hardly do anything and we can't even sleep in the same bed together on Christmas night. Instead you'll be sleeping on the sofa watching me sleep on the other one. I wish it could have been better.