You'll never get it

It's been 2 weeks since my surgery and I'm resenting you without fully knowing why. Before my surgery I tried to explain to you that I was scared beyond belief and that I just wanted you to hold me, but you wouldn't. Instead we fought, to the point I prayed God would take me during my surgery. The kids mean the would to me, but I don't want to live in misery. While I was in the hospital, I hardly saw you. I know that you had the baby but grandpa had said that he would watch her, but I still was left without you. I needed you the most during that time. It felt as if you didn't care. You were just doing the bare minimum to appease me. The day I come home you get into a screaming match with your mother, I understand that it was not your fault but you should of asked her to leave before it got to that point. That was day 3, day 4 I'm expected to drive and what not because you need cigarettes and can not drive. At 2am! I hurt myself that day. We were also trying to figure out anything to get rent and automatically I was made to feel like it was my fault because I couldn't watch Zoey. You knew what me having surgery would entail, but in the end you weren't up for the challenge. Everyday for 2 weeks I should have been resting. Not driving around, not taking you to service calls, not going grocery shopping, not picking Zoey up, not driving by myself to get my son, NONE OF IT! I resent you for not stepping up. Instead I was made to feel lazy. I am not being lazy I just had ****ing surgery! Major surgery. Everyone tells me to slow down, rest, to stop what I am doing but they don't understand the fight that would cause if I did. I don't want to fight. So I sacrifice my health. I have officially hurt myself and extended my road to recovery.
You have your own medical problems with your knees, I get that. My hormones are driving me nuts as it is. I need more help than I am getting. You will never truly see the damage that has been caused until I am back in surgery trying to get it fixed. I am to my breaking point and don't know what to do. A little piece of me dies every time I have to do something I'm not suppose to. I know you will never see this, so maybe this is just wasted space, but if you ever do see it maybe then you will see the reality of it.