Dear One

(Possible trigger! Not sure if this is the right place, remove if it's inappropriate.)

Dear Daughter,
I hold you in my arms and cuddle you while you talk about your cousins. All of them come in sets, they all have syblings... and you never will.

They are your "CC" ('sissy ' adapted for cousins) your "fwiens." The ones you ask to visit to play dollies. The ones you want to share your doll house with.

I whisper to you, "mama can't have any more babies, did you know?" You answer yes, because you always say you know. I tell you you are my only baby and I love you, you say you love me too.

I tell you that you can have as many babies as you want some day, as many as dolly (dolly has four, two are adopted).

You nod... then go back to talking about cousins. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand your cousins are all you'll have? Would you even want a sybling? You love one boy cousin but can't stand the other boys, but you love all your "CC" girl cousins.

I know we've been to the doctor a lot. Mama looks fine, but sometimes she "has sad." I'm sorry it upset you. I tell you "mama thinks to much" trying to simplify and gloss over my stress and terror for your sweet little two years to understand... but how to protect you?

You have a little chart. I drew the lines, and decorated it just for you. You can put a sticker on at night every day moma is in bed. Every day I may be to sore and need to rest... when all the spots on your chart are full, mama should seem normal again.

...but my dear one, I'll never be normal again. I can never give you a sybling. I may need more surgeries. I won't be able to lift you for weeks. That's why we've been practicing getting all the in and out, up and down all on your own without mama's help... because I know I won't be able to help.

My soul aches. Can I make you gingerbread and smile? Can I do presents with enormous families and not feel the sting from all the whispers and pitty?

You are my one, my only.
My little flower, my lion cub.

I hope I can still be enough for you...